I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
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My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
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Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
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grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
*skinny dips into black hole
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
welp
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I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).