I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
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wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend