I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
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I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
I’m so lazy I let my battles pick me
Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
smh
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.
Husband: *stands up*
Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.