I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
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Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight