I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
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Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.
The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america