Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.

Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.

“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”

Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.

Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?

He died doing what he loved.

He didn’t know she was married.

You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.

My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.

You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?

Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut

If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.

The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.

2044: the weekend becomes sentient.

2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.

My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.

I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…

Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”

Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself

I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao

Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.

Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”

Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!

🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵

~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls

[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times

*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”

AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.

Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.

Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.

Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.

Me: Hi. Can I help you?

Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand

Me: Great. Where is it?

Him: What?

Me: The nightstand.

Robber: This is a stick up

Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean

While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.

[High School Reunion]

Me: Those were the days, right?

Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.

My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.

[making out in a club]

her: wanna go to the bathroom?

me: no I’ve just been thanks

You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through

Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.

I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long