I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
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Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?