I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
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Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
*weighs self after shaving
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused