Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*

[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”

I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.

95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.

Overall productivity level remains steady.

Me: Should we watch WandaVision?

Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it

3: *draws a rune on the wall*

Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.

On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.

i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home

The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.

This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.

If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.

[watching Olympic Figure Skating]

Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!

T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was

Me: oh

Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.

This could be the Alcohol talking but….

OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!

Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake

Is there a class for just the karate noises?

Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?

Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.

People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.

“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”

“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”

[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend

What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?

Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,

but Chickpeas

can just hummus one.

If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.

if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle

Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act

You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.

Noah

My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.

Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.

But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.

Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.

Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.