Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.

(Me playing guitar)

3: Daddy what’s this song called?

Me: Going Nowhere.

3: I know that but what’s this song called?

Burned by a 3yo.

Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.

My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now

All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.

The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.

Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.

AT MY FUNERAL:

My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.

cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time

ghost me: baaaaaa

guy: are you saying baa instead of boo

ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out

Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.

[job interview]

BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person

ME: Well I’m definitely a human

I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath

So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?

me: my boss is working me to the bone

my dog: hell yeah

Them: just trust your gut

Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?

I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents

Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense

There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.

Mad Max: Furry Road

“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.

I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.

Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?

Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]

Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.

My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.

[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-

Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?

Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.

hair coloring options for women:

out of a box = $12.99

going to a hair salon = $7,000

Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”

Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.