I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.
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The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
goldfish mafia
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.
Why do we never do that thing we never did anymore?
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers