I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.
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that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
That took me a moment.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off