Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”

NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.

my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”

I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.

it’s either covid or clever vampires

Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.

[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call

Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!

I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!

Said by nobody.

Ever.

People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?

when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born

By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”

My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.

Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.

My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.

it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat

“How much to hire a church singing group?”

“You mean a choir?”

“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”

The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss

By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%

Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup

casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet

before meds: i hate everything

after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything

Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.

Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name

2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged

~ This is a running joke

I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.

if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.

Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..

ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse

Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber

There’s a disturbance in the coffee.