I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
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my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Make me look younger
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.