I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
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My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?
me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.
9yo: like clothes?
me: no they don’t have clothes there.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”