Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?

🔦🌙👣

I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.

I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.

I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.

The three ages of bureaucrat:

Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?

Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings

Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings

I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.

“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma

[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”

anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship

Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.

Much healthy.

[Biologists naming Eels]

b1: ocean sneks

b2: bitey noodles?

b3: what do the dolphins call them again?

If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.

The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about

“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.

When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?

*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*

i lost 4 lbs, nice

*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*

the punishment does not fit the crime

OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!

~ My dog every time I use a broom

me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free

WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.

ME: Thanks.

WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.

Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you

“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”

-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.

be myself? the person who got me into this mess????

I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.

I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.

Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.

“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”

– Adam & Eve on laundry day

Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday

Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-

There’s a word in modern Hungarian slang, egérmozi, which describes watching films (or shows) on your phone. It means “mouse cinema”

Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.