Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon

The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.

Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers

one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar

“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”

– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad

GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.

MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong

Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?

me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: hmm, that’ll be too much

fourth time’s the charm

My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”

Welcome to the dark side.
We have….

Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.

*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*

“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”

annoying that i have to flush three times to get rid of all my billiard balls

[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”

Her: I love cats

Me: [trying to impress her] me too

Her: what’s your favourite kind

Me: [panicking] uh…doja

Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?

Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.

My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”

*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*

Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”

I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed

Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.

Okey dokey.

Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you

Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.

[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD

“Theirye’re” problem solved

*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac

Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.

Worst bar ever.

My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.

Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?

Me: that’s bananas.

AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.