I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice
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I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
how to exercise your calf muscles
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side