Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad is in Hawaii for travel…

Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again

I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???

[at Super Bowl party]

Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK

Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow

Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON

two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team

BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE

I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.

If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry

*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*

*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*

DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.

“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”

– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update

domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?

me: tell him to be ready to wrestle

Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”

Me: “Got it.”

*shits pants*

Me: please wait a little longer

Her: you’re a liar and I’m leaving!

She turns and storms off. A few seconds later, the baseball I threw all the way around the world whizzes into my glove. It’s too late. It took too long. I must train to throw harder if I’m ever to find a wife.

In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”

About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds

shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms

Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID

If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!

We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter

Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating

We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.

My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?

Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy

My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries

My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…

Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?

i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.

Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.

My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.

Welcome to the family, Alexa.

Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything

You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!