Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?

Me: Are you surprised I like kids?

Him: I’m surprised you had sex.

My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby

Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can

Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it

Brain: This makes sense right now

Body: We’re on board

Pavement: Come at me bro

As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.

Discuss.

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

*loses you in a crowd*

finally

“Do what your gut says”

– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza

we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy

got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house

Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car

[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]

Waiter: Your bill for-

Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?

Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?

I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed

I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

Salesman: This model corners really well

Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*

jesus christ confetti not now

I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.

This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses

POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going

The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.

ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder

*1 week later

ME: You still want a divorce?

THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING

When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast

The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.

I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses

My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball

4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS

My mind is like a sponge.

It spends most of its time in filthy places.