Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.

the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing

I’m that bored in the house 🥺

#lockdownextension

I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.

“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”

Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.

– repeat offenders

Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020

A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.

WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol

a realtor showing you an absolutely unusable space in a house: how cool is that?

Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack

Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

mfs be saying “feb” cause they can’t spell februawary

LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings

ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people

if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune

The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.

Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.

The Five Stages of Dinner:

1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert

I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.

Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.

My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.

There is no Hotdog Bell here.

I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.

Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?

Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.

Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.

Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself

People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.

him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?

her: no thanks

me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho

Finished stitching this today 😇

Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.

[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”

The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute