I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
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[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
When someone says you are so lazy
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Frog purse.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat
