Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.

I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.

This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.

Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.

of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool

yes, those are my real potatoes.

Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”

Me:
“Total disappointments.”

Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”

Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do

i’ve found my new favorite subculture

Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist

My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’

Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?

I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.

get you a girl who

Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.

Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:

1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?

So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…

At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.

I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.

Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”

Me: cute infant you have there

Mary: thanks

Me: so tender and mild

Mary: …w-what

all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot

It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.

*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER

[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything

Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.

People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.

Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…

That I do not possess, apparently.