I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
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“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me