I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
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The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
What’s so funny?
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.