I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
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A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
😾
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.