Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.

I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.

I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach

– my dog begging

My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.

MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!

If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler

ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy

ARMCHAIR:

Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”

My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok

“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager

imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now

IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD

I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.

BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA

Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”

Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*

happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician

*Do not consume if seal is broken*

I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.

No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.

• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.

[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”

sitting in front of a man and woman on the train who have hit it off and lord, this is better than drugs

I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”

The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.

How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.

My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.

There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right

HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?

about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day