I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
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I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
That’s easy for you to say
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.