I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
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me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.