I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
You Might Also Like
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
12. I think about this all the damn time
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Tonight I will make history!
Turns off incognito mode
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”