I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
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“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
i’m still crying at this
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
😬
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.