Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.

[first day in hell]

Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?

Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—

Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*

Ok, I’ll bite

What’s an ab?

Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late

Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer

Friend: Arsenal?

Me: No, just the front

Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.

Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?

The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving

Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?

Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!

Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*

If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.

Babe, you’re just perfect for me

Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man

The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.

my mom: you still coming over today?

me: definitely

mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—

me: i cant make it

If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.

I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.

🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂

When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”

Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.

I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.

Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.

What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!

My cat: Meow

Yes I know we have all the DVDs…

I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.

DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.

ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.

Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.

What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?