I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
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I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.