I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
You Might Also Like
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Accurate
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”