Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.

As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.

Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?

Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl

Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.

Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar

The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.

You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.

911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now

[tinder date]

me: oh wow this is awkward

sunset: *just kinda sets there*

me: but i thought you were, you know

sunset: *still setting*

me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh

sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it

“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”

fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg

stormtrooper: *sighs*

Her: I like dogs

Me: *dies in 10-13 years*

Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?

Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.

A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.

People who wear cycle helmets with a little camera on the top can be quite intimidating, especially if it’s the first time you’re having sex with them

just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook

wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse

doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-

*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*

I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.

[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”

[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been

Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk

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My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.

I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?