I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
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For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Me: [smiling]
Phone: face not recognized
Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]
Phone: oh there you are
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
October 31
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone