I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
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when people ask how much i weigh i always say ‘with or without blood?”
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
When your man makes a valid point
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.