I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
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A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
My life in a nutshell
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
[help desk at the mall]
Her: can I help you?
Me: I want this desk to help me
Her: it doesn’t work that way
Me: it doesn’t look busy
Her: it’s a desk, sir
Me: a help desk
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.