I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
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The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down