I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
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Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
October 31
Buying houses is mental
Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined
Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants
Not allowed to speak to the owner
Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier: