I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
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13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
“Seize the day!”
No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection