“I’ve recently come into some money.”
*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*
You Might Also Like
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Covert ops
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Following my previous tweet, I would like to clarify that I am not running for mayor. I meant to say that I was running from the mayor but mistyped because I was running at the time.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)