I’ve replaced my friends insulin with heroin. This is the most expensive prank I’ve ever done but it’s ok, I’ll rob him when he’s dead.

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Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?


Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*


*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.


You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.

– My 4yo. Apparently.


If you steal my tweets I’ll just unfollow you cuz your tweets are terrible.


Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”

Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.

Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.

And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”


Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”

Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.


My picky niece just complimented me on my deviled eggs.

*adds gourmet chef to resume