[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
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Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other