I’ve replaced my friends insulin with heroin. This is the most expensive prank I’ve ever done but it’s ok, I’ll rob him when he’s dead.

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*aliens land on Thanksgiving*

*me showing them around*
“We have a specific bone we break from the carcass to make a wish”

Aliens: Savages


All girls love surprises. I didn’t know putting a snake in her handbag was wrong. We can’t understand women.


Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly

– autocorrect


Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.

One hour later she was dead.

So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.


Co-worker: How are you today?

Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*


Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.


Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.


[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack


My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?


It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.