Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.

Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–

My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.

Thanks for following.

Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want

Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die

Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.

It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy

DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are

ME: Ok

DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut

ME *lip starts trembling*

DENTIST: I see

I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings

I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.

demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here

me: haha yeah

demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans

Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine

[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]

neighbor: hey there

me: greetums

People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic

I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.

Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”

I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.

“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”

-the new GPS app from Allrecipes

Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry

I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.

Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?

Stooooppp!!! 😂😂

my New Year’s Eve plans:

– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed

*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”

i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.

🙉🙈🙊

Academic paper protip:

end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”

I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?

Me: welcome to my painting podcast

[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]

Me: it’s a mountain

I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.

Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?

me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”