Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?

Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer

We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids

People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”

me after drinking all the wine:

I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.

Especially from you-know-who.

[hand sensing faucet factory]

Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software

Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy

“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”

-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.

When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”

As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.

Discuss.

C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*

me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*

Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.

I put the h in mysterious.

My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.

I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.

therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?

me: *deep breath*

therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up

me: *slow exhale*

Me: I’m having a bad day!

Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.

Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.

Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.

I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.

Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to

Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.

Husband: But the seal is right th….

Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!

13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!

Me: What?

13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.

Me:

13: Oh wait, that’s French.

Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.

I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.

[during sex]

me: imma turn the ceiling fan on

giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo

My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…

My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.

WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*

The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.

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grandparents are too precious for this world

Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.