Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL

*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape

[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME

Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.

Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜

HER: what’s with all the finger pointing

ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition

I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.

If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?

good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab

Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.

[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]

Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL

Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams

I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”

So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.

Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.

I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.

[second date]

Me: so… is this your first police chase?

[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”

Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”

When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.

Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.

Math never tried to solve any of my problems.

My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?

A new cook asked the head chef what beer to use for boiling the brats and was told “the worst beer we have.”

But, why sir?

Chef: yes

A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.

INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?

ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info

I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.

What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.

💀 😭

I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.