Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m really good in bed”

-Ice cream

First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never

Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster

“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”

– Dad Medicine 101

[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone

As the Lord intended

[quarantine routine]

7am: woke up

8am: fell out of bed

9am: dragged a comb across my head

10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup

11am: looking up I noticed I was late

12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat

1pm: made tiktoks with my cat

[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”

wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”

Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.

–Moms

[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-

Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?

I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.

Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise

Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”

What a stupid idea for a tattoo.

Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.

When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.

Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-

PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.

My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol

Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?

“Yes, everyone.”

[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back

Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?

Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.

College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.

At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners

I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born

[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet

You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.

One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.