I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
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I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.