Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🤣😂🤣😂

I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?

Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.

15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!

It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.

No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.

95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it

[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.

Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*

Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.

[peeing behind a tree]

bonsai artist: I have restrooms

I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.

Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…

This is just a bottomless Pitt

😂😂

Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.

*bursts into starbucks*

Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET

Barista: yeah over there

Me: oh thank god

*plugs in a mechanical bull*

boss: can i see you in my office

me: [sheathing sword] why

Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.

Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?

Biden: 😉

Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!

Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.

me:

british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,

Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).

I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP

If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend

lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????

[Nightcap]

Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.

Her: It’s….a….nice.

Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.

My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me

Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles

Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!

Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?

God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.

Unicorn: I guess you’re right.

[Narwhal swims by]

Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?

God:

Unicorn:

God: technically that’s a tooth.

I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking