Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at interview]

INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?

ME: Peter Piper.

INTERVIEWER: What does he do?

ME: It’s difficult to say.

When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.

Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas

Dear life:

If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.

I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.

Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.

Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.

My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh

My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.

He calls it “snackupuncture.”

DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN

ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues

DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun

[God creating the octopus]

Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.

My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.

my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”

“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”

shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs

robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest

Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.

Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.

Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.

Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.

The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me

Alexa play Metallica…

Alexa play Metallica…

Alexa play Metallica…

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music

Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…

My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”

Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.

Me: My body is a temple

Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?

Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus

I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary

Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire

Wife: what really happened?

Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour

Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.

I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.