Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward

The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”

Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.

We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.

IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.

Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.

me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again

friend: so go back for seconds?

me: no probably longer than that

She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones

Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?

cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law

me: incompetent lawyer

cop: wha-

me: tainted evidence

cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that

My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?

day 16 of being stuck in:

me: shall I have another glass of wine?

my wall: yes catherine splendid idea

You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.

Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.

Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?

So sad. Really.

[First Date]

Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?

Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal

*at swingers club*

me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?

Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!

Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!

Me:..for the kids…yeah

CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.

I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend

You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse

Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.

Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.

“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]

*listening to music at the beach*

6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?

Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.

6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.

Me: That is correct, yes.

People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.

Blending in with the normals like:

Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant

I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.

Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.