Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.

I said, “No, wait! I can change.”

MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*

*bark*

“What’s that Lassie?”

*bark bark*

“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”

*bark*

“Ooh, dinnertime.”

I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.

Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?

Wife: he gives me no privacy

Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true

My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.

Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off

Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.

Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?

*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*

Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate

MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…

Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait

911: *sigh* did he have –

Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again

“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”

Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap

Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door

ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.

Me: give me all the brisket you have

Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on

Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.

Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body

birds: it’s peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff

My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving

Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?

Ah yes. The three genders

Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?

wife: what’d you do today

me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.

WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.

🙁
turn that frown upside down
):

“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish