Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.

Guys you need to work this out.

*water balloon fight at 10 paces*

Aladdin: I can show you the world

Jasmine: lets go to New York!

Aladdin: hold on

Jasmine: then London

Aladdin: wait

Jasmine: and then-

Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah

Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.

Stages of a quick trip to Costco:

1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.

Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.

My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.

What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir

This one’s “Alex”.

*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets

In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.

Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.

Breaking news:

*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT

[date]

HER: Any hobbies?

ME: I collect old comics

HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?

ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure

Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store

hand it over!

me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in

her: it says volvo on it

For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”

Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.

4: What does antique mean?

Me: It means old-

4: Oh…like you?

Boss: Where were you on Friday?

Me: It was a holiday.

Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!

Me: It is if you go as Christmas.

Boss:…

there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score

Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral

New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.

I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing

Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.