I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
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If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
need a new bf mines broken 😐
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Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Great acting.. 😂
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.