“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Just cringing at the memory of saying goodbye to my friend after a coffee, they said “enjoy the rest of your day” and I replied, “you too, have fun!”
They were going to a funeral.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.