Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.

Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.

Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…

I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.

Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately

[first day in prison]

me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open

guard: what

Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.

any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”

Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.

People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.

Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.

I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.

This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.

I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.

Hit me in the face with a bird

Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…

*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.

If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit

I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.

[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak

Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.

I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.

“Things. We did things”

[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you

To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.

WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?

ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet

I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug

If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again

me: excuse me, my chicken is cold

waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here

Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.

Moon: *throws shade*

Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”

Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌

sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck