I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
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me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
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The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable