I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
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Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Just left the polling place and they’re…clapping? They’re saying I was the best voter and I was so easy to work with and listened to the instructions so well and I made all the correct choices and no ones ever done it as well as me before. The poll worker lady is crying
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in
Pig: nope
Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”