I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
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ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
[On a road trip]
Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!
Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.