Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A big dipper? in this astronomy?

Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.

HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again

What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?

Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?

do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”

The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it

If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.

It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal. 

Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?

Me: a black swirling pit of despair

Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat

I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.

Thus I have to move it to get a beer.

Because exercise is important too.

Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.

medusa but her hair is an anaconda

[at the pearly gates]

I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.

[bed]

ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me

ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe

13: Did you know that the youngest photo of you is also the oldest photo of you?

Me: ok Socrates time for bed

If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.

Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys

Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.

me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier

Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?

Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend

Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.

Ouija doin?

-talkin to my ancestors

I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still

Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!

Onion rings.

Halloween costumes

Age 10: monster

Age 25: sexy fireman

Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups

I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.