Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.

Yeah, me too.

Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.

Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t

Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?

Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?

I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.

one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back

You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

December 2023 our house was burgled and the children’s Christmas presents were stolen. Burglar was caught on our Ring doorbell and I happened to know where he lived. Instead of calling the cops, I burgled the Christmas presents back from him.

Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.

[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?

Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.

Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.

Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.

What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it

It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display

Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.

Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.

“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.

If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂

Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.

Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.

Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.

Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.

Instagram: My life is a party.

Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show

Facebook: My life turned out great!

Twitter: We’re all going to die.

Apple is releasing new product information today.

That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.

Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.

Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.

There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan

Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?

7-year-old: Donuts.

Taliband

Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control

-me, in this hotel room

I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.