I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor
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Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Living the best life.. 😊