I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor
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Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM