I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor
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Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.