I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
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Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Love thy neighbor’s dog
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog
Quadruple digit IQ
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
I love the honesty
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE