I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
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BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.