I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
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My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
Happy Star Wars day!
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.