Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.

I was 12.

Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes

Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.

I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.

Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars

Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.

relationship status:

[ ] single

[ ] taken

[X] waiting for the spaceship to return

Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*

me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive

Netflix suggested I watch my kids.

ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket

When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.

I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.

me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.

Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden

Antelope: o no

Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want

Antelope: omfg

My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.

to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn

Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.

Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7

Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.

Me, 1
Kids, 0

i think both sides are to blame here

I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them

I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.

Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed

I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.

if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute

finally found a reasonable question