“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
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the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT