“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
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Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
I hate when that happens.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”
When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch