Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“The weatherman isn’t real!”

-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character

Couldn’t recommend it enough.

a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.

[candle store]

WIFE: Do you have vanilla?

“No”

WIFE: Apple?

“Nope”

WIFE: Lavender?

“Sorry”

ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents

Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.

CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.

Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:

• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It All

Please let me know if there are any more.

✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨

*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*

Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?

Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.

I made a risotto 4 years ago and the kids refused to touch it. In a rare moment of genius I said its not a risotto it’s “cheesy rice stew” which they liked the sound of and devoured it. Still make it to this day and I can’t wait until the day they figure out they’ve been duped.

If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.

me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*

Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter

[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*

Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-

Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*

[liquor store]

Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.

Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*

Him: Oh, it’s you.

“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.

I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.

I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.

Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.

The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.

Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school

I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?

Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago

She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady

I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island

Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together