Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too

you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise

“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎

🔊 Sound up

Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.

I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you

A conversation between 2 vegans:

“I’m a vegan.”

“I’m a vegan too.”

“Oh.”

“So…you’re a vegan?”

“Yes, I am a vegan.”

“Me too.”

6: you’ll always be my mom right?

me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!

6: what if you’re dead

me: wtf

I love art.

The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping

We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.

My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.

I’m impressed.

They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.

True story 🤣

I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene

I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.

This guy’s not having it 😆

I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.

I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life

Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.

Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate

What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*

“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev

Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.

Wanted:

Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.

No weirdos.

“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.

Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”

If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV

3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.