Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets abducted by aliens*

*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*

*gets returned by aliens*

Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.

Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY

him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say

me: same

Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.

Honest job interview:

“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”

[first day as a spelling bee judge]

Me: your word is Sarcasm

Him: can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence

The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.

*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*

Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?

3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.

Me: ok.

I flunked out of flight attendant school.

I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.

Let’s settle this like adults.

Rock, paper, scissors.

I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.

More like Kate Missington.

She puts the hot in psychotic

Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?

Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago

Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*

He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.

My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.

Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….

Eulogies are just goth stand-up.

Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.

man: want a carrot?

horse: ok.

man: we’re friends now right.

horse: i guess.

man: great hey can you help me move.

I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.

If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.

I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.

SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!

daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know

[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]

I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.

them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope