Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it

The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there

I just made the PERFECT phone call!

My parents didn’t answer.

You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you

[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself

Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.

“Guy walks into a bar”

*and is eliminated from the limbo contest

Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!

4yo: Because lunch.

Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.

Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round

AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?

More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.

A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.

Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.

Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime

Now then – what’s an oxymoron?

They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.

the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles

Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other

Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep

*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?

Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:

Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer

LEGO Chewables

Nicotine Patch Dolls

Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House

Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave

Me: and the last piece?

Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao

I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.

He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.

What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”

girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts

What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

<gets pulled over>

Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?

Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.

*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.

Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.

Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.